Feeling Sexy Again After Motherhood

Why is it we tend to stop putting effort into ourselves after we get married or have kids?  It’s like all the energy we used to have for looking and feeling our best was isolated to being attractive to a potential spouse.

And with kids, there’s simply no time to put effort into anything other than them.  Let’s face it, their needs come first, and they are demanding!  It’s easy to put yourself last in that case because what little energy you do have seems wasted on putting on makeup or pretty clothes just to have to clean it from upchuck later.

You’re a mom now, and appearance isn’t supposed to matter anyway, right?  Then why do we so often feel “unsexy” after parenthood?  Is being exhausted all the time not attractive?

Ok, I’m jesting here.  The reality is that over time we do learn that appearance isn’t everything, and that’s awesome.  That being said, we often say we don’t feel sexy based entirely on appearance.  Whether that’s a fact or not isn’t the point. If that’s your perception, then that’s your reality.  So I want to look at how making yourself feel sexy can happen any time, not just pre-marriage and pre-babies.

Confession: I’m not a mom.  Well… I am, but my babies are in Heaven.  So I never experienced the post labour body, post breast-feeding boob sag and all of that stuff.  I did experience several surgeries including a hysterectomy that did impact my physical and mental wellness, but I’ll get into that another time. I can’t speak from personal experience on the post-baby body that most women experience, but I would like to share some tidbits of excellent information I’ve learned from my mom friends who have experienced and overcome this self-esteem challenge.  So this is what I’ve gathered from them:

9. Your Body is a Fortress of Miracles – Acknowledge That!

Firstly, it’s so important to remember that you are human.  You had a baby.  We often forget how incredible a feat that is.  Yes, women do it all the time, but if we actually dissected the process from start to finish and look at the statistics, we’d realize that the strain of birth is intense and actually really difficult.  From the fact it’s an astounding challenge to even get pregnant, to the intense hormonal and physical toll that is put on the mother, the labour and delivery, to the nursing and nurturing that comes after.  We take for granted how amazing and incredible our bodies are.  If we really looked at it maybe we could fully admire the journey our body takes us through to live.  But we focus on how we feel and how we look and then that admiration somehow changes.  It shouldn’t.  Your perfect imperfect body did something pretty incredible.  It’s important to love it for what it’s done.  Afterall, disliking it hasn’t changed anything for you, has it?

Have you ever noticed how you feel sexier when you get praise or feel good about an accomplishment?  Confidence boosts our vibes.  How can you feel sexier if you’re telling yourself that your body is unappealing?  You can’t.  You have to praise yourself.  Praise that body and acknowledge what it’s capable of.  Your hips may be wider, you may have more lines, and you may have a very different shape.  In what ways have these differences changed your life other than your own perspective?  Let’s change that perspective now by remembering that you created a life, bore it, and are contributing to the world.  If that isn’t something to be proud of, I’m not sure what is.  And how sexy is it to know that you’ve created something so special?  It’s pretty hot!

8. Sex Appeal Is Internal Too

You might find that there are times when you feel more energy, more confidence, more sexy than others.  You chalk it up to having had a long week at work or with the kids, the moon cycle (well… there is that too...) and you figure “Ugh I’ll never get there.”  Ok, give yourself a break.  In the same way that the moon

goes through cycles, so does your body.  Right after baby it takes some time for your body to go back to its own cycle.  There is ACTUALLY a time when you will feel sexier and surprise, it’s generally around the time of ovulation.  Once again, our incredible bodies have this figured out on our behalf in order to reproduce.  I’m getting a theme here…

If you’re able to track your cycle you’ll be able to find a pattern of when you’re likely to be ovulating and that’s generally when you’re going to feel your best.  This is the time to hone in on those magic moments not just with your partner, but with yourself!  If you’re feeling good inside, you’re going to be feeling better about yourself externally as well.  Now is the time to really pamper yourself and embrace your outer beauty while your internal voice isn’t so critical.  This should be the only time when you really listen to your internal dialogue because she’s pretty gracious right now, and tell the internal critic to step aside.

7. Nurture Yourself

Now that we’ve established that you feel sexier on the outside when you take care of the inside, this becomes even more important.  You would do anything to make sure your children are well taken care of by making sure they are fed, warm, comforted, bathed, and entertained.  Whenever possible, you NEED to do this for yourself as well.

This is about more than just feeling sexy.  You are required to don your own mask in an airplane before attending to others.  Why?  Because if you are not able to maintain the energy to take care of yourself you are useless to others.  This is true in everyday life, not just emergencies.  If you’re powered out and feeling gross, are your kids getting the best care from you?  No.  But you also need to give yourself care in order

to sustain your own energy in order to sustain their needs.

We are not as demanding as our children for the most part.  Their systems aren’t capable of the amount of tasks and stimulation that we as adults become accustomed to.  Tying shoes is second nature for us, but for them can create a breakdown in their little brains.  So when you try to say that you don’t have time to do anything for yourself, remember that some things aren’t as difficult as we make them, and are equally as necessary as the care your child gets from you.  A car cannot run without fuel.  Neither can you.

So how do you nurture yourself?  Honestly it doesn’t need to take much.  Get a facial.  Take a bath with candles and your favorite music.  Go treat yourself with that hot fudge sundae.  Get a massage.  Whatever you decide to do, make sure it gives you a chance to recharge even for a bit.  If that means talking with a friend on the phone, reading a chapter in your favorite book, or indulging in a guilty pleasure, do it.  If you have a relative that would love to take care of baby for an afternoon, or just a couple hours, let them.  Not only do they need the memories and baby needs the social interaction, but you need the break.  Keeping little people alive is no small task.  Reward yourself for it.  And don’t just use that time to clean the house, use it to recharge.  It’s called a treat for a reason.  Treats are sexy!

 6. Fantasize!

How come we think it’s great when kids play dress up and fantasize about being someone else?  They feel so great when they imagine being an astronaut, or play house and pretend to be THE MOM!  These are some of their favorite games, but they don’t have to end at childhood.  There is no reason you can’t put on some sexy outfits and pretend that you are sexy even if you don’t feel it.  Why?  We say fake it til you make it.  Fake believing in yourself is a great way to turn off the autopilot critic.  You start to believe it because you realize it’s not as bad as you think, and that realization is so sexy!

5. Dress to Impress!

Once you’ve fantasized, start to put the reality in place.  Get yourself some sexy new bras—because this is the part many moms complain about the most; how their boobs have changed.  That doesn’t mean they have to be neglected.  These precious ladies did a lot of work in producing for your baby, even if you couldn’t breastfeed.  Give them a reason to be proud and buy something to pretty them up.  Not only will it make you feel better about them, but if your spouse might really enjoy the new reminder of how sexy they still are.  Nursing bras that fit well can really amp up the look of the girls and still feel comfortable.

Forget your pre-pregnancy clothes and trying to fit back into them.  Use this opportunity of your new, admirable mom bod as a chance to get new clothes.  It doesn’t have to be a whole wardrobe; it could be a couple new outfits that make you feel sexy and hug those new curves.  Black is a great choice because it’s slimming and at the same time doesn’t show stains of parenthood.  Black has always been considered sexy and it’s always in style.

If you’re still nervous about your post-pregnancy belly, use a belly wrap.  These are corset like wraps that can be used to help shrink your midsection as well as provide support.  After my hysterectomy and gallbladder surgeries I used these in order to help tighten my scars so they’d heal better.  It worked great but also made me feel secure and I felt slimmer.  Some suggest these actually train your body to tighten as well so that you lose belly weight faster.  I did find that it helped bloat for me and that alone just made me feel better.  Remember that by feeling better you feel better physically and it’s easier to keep healthier.  You could very easily find yourself losing that weight that you were worried would never go away.

4. Make it Up!

As mentioned at the beginning of this article, we tend to make ourselves up for the outside world, but

the emphasis is never put on ourselves when we’re not going out.  You say to yourself, “I don’t have the time or energy,” but if you’re putting time and energy into yourself for a world that doesn’t care about your self-esteem, why are you denying it to yourself when you need it the most?  Makeup can actually make us feel better.  Look, I am the first to preach that we’re beautiful inside and makeup doesn’t make us more beautiful, but let’s face it, when we dazzle ourselves up we feel better, don’t we?  So the reality is that we make ourselves up for us, no one else.  Which means that makeup can really be worn any time.

I’m not a big makeup wearer-but I can’t live without it.  It’s a weird concept.  I need foundation and concealer and mascara.  If I’m feeling like really getting pretty, I’ll put on the other stuff, but at very least if I’m at home doing nothing and I walk by a mirror and see big black lashes that I think look great, then I feel great.  It may seem superficial, but in this way it works.  Back to what I’ve been saying all along, if you feel great, you continue to feel great.  So no, you don’t have to glam up every day, but a little bronzing can make your face look thinner and more defined and if that makes you feel more confident, then you feel sexier.  It’s a win!

3. Do it Up!

As someone who suffers from depression and anxiety, one thing I do fairly regularly is change my hair style and color up.  It gives me a whole new look.  I’ve got a collection of wigs that I’ve used to give myself a different look as well, which can make for a really fun getaway from daily mundaneness.  But if you’re into getting a new hair color and maybe a style change, this is a great chance for that.

My lovely lady friend Amanda Pilgrim-Boyer at Trends Hair and Nail Studio in Swift Current does fabulous work with hair and nail studio.  If you’re in Saskatoon, Salon Grea is another excellent place for hair and nail work.  The staff there are fantastic and both places are LGBTQ2S+ inclusive.

2. Selfie-Love

Ok I confess, when I was recovering from my hysterectomy, I spent many days lounging around playing with filters on snapchat.  I got really good at finding my “good angles” and to be completely honest, I saved a bunch just for me.  I know your phone is always out taking pictures of baby and you absolutely should be doing that to capture those moments!  It’s so important to refocus and turn that selfie love on as well.  You may never show them to anyone, but maybe you look back on it when you’re having a bad day, filter or not, and think, “Damnit I AM sexy!”  We’ve been talking all along about how to boost your esteem and this is one of those things.  Don’t be embarrassed by it.  Use what technology has given you to remind yourself what your mama gave you too!

1. Get Naked

Ok I know I’ve been focusing on ways to make yourself look better in your own eyes, but there is a point when you have to look at yourself and be happy with what you see in the mirror.  When all the sexy outfits are put away, all the glam is set aside and the heels are hung, remember that they don’t exist without a body to place them.  That body is just as important as the pretty things it wears.  In fact, it’s more important, because not every body can wear every kind of outfit.  Face it, we’re not made to look the same, and that’s awesome!

So the challenge is to spend more time naked and be comfortable with your body.  You don’t have to strip down and walk around the house for hours, but an extra minute here and there before and after you get out of the shower, that goes a long way toward accepting that magical body we talked about earlier.

Take baths instead of showers and enjoy the length of your legs, how the water glistens off them.  You may feel too lazy to shave when you’re home by yourself and it goes in line with the lack of wanting to put on makeup, but does it make you feel better when your legs are smooth?  Then do the beauty routines that you think are for the outside world but as we’ve already mentioned, is really about what makes YOU feel good.

It’s also important to check in with your partner.  Don’t let your relationship slide.  Find a way to have some alone time, some date nights, even if it’s just a couple hours alone.  Don’t overestimate the power of touch and cuddling even if you are too tired to get past that.  Engaging in touch is a great way to feel desired and can help in improving your ability to feel sexy again.

The most important thing is to remember that you ARE sexy inside and out.  Enjoy the things that many of us take for granted because you are special!